Self Hatred
by sebastians-pierced-penis
Summary: Your self hatred was not only ruining your relationship with Carlos, but driving you to the brink of death.


You lifted up your shirt and looked in the mirror. You stared at your bulging stomach and started grabbing at it with your right hand, as if you were trying to rip off all the visible fat. You started to feel tears roll down your cheeks as you pinched harder and harder by the second, getting more frustrated after each grab. In a matter of seconds you were rolled up on the ground in a fetal position, crying.

"W-why did I have to ge-get so fatt?" you screamed out. This only made you cry even harder. With your hands wrapped around your leg, you subconsciously started grabbing your thigh, repeating the same actions as before. You started scratching at your leg in a desperate attempt to get rid of the disgusting weight off you but it was no use. You were the still same ugly girl.

After another 10 minutes of crying, you started to calm down. You sat up and rested against your bed, facing towards the mirror once again. _How did this happen? It was only a week ago that I loved my body. I didn't care about what I looked like. My boyfriend always reassured me that I was beautiful and I believed him. Now everytime he compliments me, I feel like he is lying to me to make me feel better. How did this happen? _But of course you knew exactly how this happen. You let yourself go for a few weeks, gained a couple of pounds and thought it was still okay. However it wasn't. Your co-workers pointed out that you had gained weight while out on a girl's night. You had worn a short tight black dress that night and when you sat down with your girls, they all pointed out your bulging stomach and massive thighs.

"Sweetie, I think someone's had too many cupcakes"

"My oh my, honey what happened?"

"Someone better join a gym soon"

For the past week, those comments had been on replay in your head, constantly haunting you. You knew they were drunk and that they probably didn't know what they were saying but it still hurt because they were right. You had gotten fat.

You slowly stood up, using the bed to steady yourself. You looked at the clock and it was almost 8:30. _Shit, _you thought. _Carlos is going to be home soon and I haven't even cooked dinner yet,_

You quickly ran into the bathroom and got yourself cleaned up. You changed in a pair of sweat pants to cover your thigh so the Latino wouldn't suspect anything or get worried. You then ran into the kitchen and started preparing dinner. You decided to cook Mac & Cheese for your boyfriend since that was his favourite dish but only made enough for him. You couldn't stand the thought of eating, even though all you had to eat today was half an apple.

Just as you finished plating the food and setting up the dinner table, you heard the garage door open.

"Honey, I'mmmm homeeeeeeee" Carlos burst through the door as if he was opening a broadway show, singing and doing a showy pose. You couldn't help but giggle.

"Hi Carlos, how was work today?" You walked over to the dark haired boy and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

Carlos hopped onto the kitchen counter and complained while swinging his legs back and forth. "Tiiirrririnnnnng. Spent almost an extra two hours in the dance studio cause Loogieee couldn't do the new dance properly"

There was something in his eyes that suggested something more but you decided to let it go as you chuckled at the thought of Logan attempting to dance while the other three boys stood around miserably. He was never the greatest dancer. Even you were a better dancer than he was and that was saying something.

"What's so funny?" Carlos jumped off the table and wrapped his arms around your waist from behind and rested his chin on your shoulder.

"Nootthhinnggg" you whistled. Closing your eyes, you rested your head back on the smaller boy's shoulder. You both started rocking side to side, slowly as if you were dancing.

Carlos whispered into your ear "I missed you so much today. You look so beautiful"

"I missed you too" you whispered. You felt so safe and happy in his arms. Well that was until you realised what he said. _You look so beautiful. _

You shuddered as the words came back into your mind and you quickly broke free of Carlos' hold.

"Babe what's wrong? Did I hurt you?" _Shit, _you thought. Carlos backed away from you with his hands up in the arm. He looked at you as if he had just accidently hit you. He looked almost scared.

"No no no no Carlos, you didn't hurt me, don't worry" Your boyfriend's expression still didn't change. Fuck you felt like such an asshole for scaring him like that. "_Carlos_ trust me, you didn't hurt me. I just remembered that your food is on the dinner table and that it would be getting cold. That's all."

After giving you one last concerned look, the Latino finally spoke "Alright babe…lets go eat dinner then"

Carlos walked towards you and gently takes a hold of your hand, looking at you for approval while doing so. You frowned at how cautious he was being, as if he was a huge monster that would crush you with the slightest touch. You held onto his hand and led him into the dining room and both of you sat down.

"Mmmmm this smells delicious" Carlos said while closing his eyes and taking a big whiff of the plate full of cheesy goodness waiting in front of him. "Where's your plate?"

He was looking at the empty place mat in front of you and you quickly looked down, avoiding his eyes. "Oh I already ate before you came home..got a bit hungry I guess..ha" This was the first time you had lied to your boyfriend in your whole 1 year relationship and you felt like the worst girlfriend ever.

You started pulling on the loose threads of the placemat, when the Latino put his left hand on your forearm"Are you sure? I haven't been able to eat dinner with you for the past couple of days…You can have some of my plate if you wa-"

You pulled away from his touch and stood up from your seat."Just eat Carlos! I already ate okay!" As soon as the words left your mouth, you felt a pang of guilt hit you. You just yelled at the sweetest boy you had ever met just because he wanted to share some food with you.

Carlos dropped his head and stared at the plate of food and whispered "Sorry sweetie."

"No Carlos, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ye-" You tried desperately to make up for outburst but was cut off buy the sound of your boyfriend eating.

"It's delicious babe, thanks" he said, giving a weak emotionless smile before returning his attention back to his food.

"You're welcome" you mumbled as you walked towards your bedroom. You shut the door and immediately started crying. Why did you have to so fucking stupid and yell at him? Just because he offered food? You just hurt the one person you cared the most about and now he probably wont talk to you for a few days. _Why couldn't I just eat the goddamn food?_ But you knew that you wouldn't have done that, even if you tried. The thought of eating was starting to terrify you. _What have I become?_ You walked over to your bed, went under the sheets and held your knees towards your chest as you cried yourself to sleep.

"Sweetie wake up"

You slowly opened your eyes to see Carlos standing over you with his hand on your cheek. He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on your lips then your forehead.

"Carlos..?" you whispered with a raspy morning voice which managed to turn it into "hair loss".

The tanned boy let out a soft chuckle before giving you another soft kiss. "Good morning sweetie. I'm sorry about last night, I shouldn't have pressured you like that."

You quickly sat up at the sound of his apology and tried to reassure him. "No Carlos, it was my fault, I shouldn't have yelled" but again your voice turned your words into "Row hairloss, ir was may boat, I shoe dot have bell"

This time the sweet boy burst out laughing and you blushed in embarrassment before slapping his chest. You quickly cleared your voice and squealed "Quit itt! Don't laugh at my morning voice" You pretend to frown, which only lead to your boyfriend copying your expression. He looked so freaking adorable. You couldn't help but lean in and place your lips on his, kissing him. You wrapped your arms around his neck as the kiss got more passionate. You moved so you were straddling his lap. Carlos placed his hand on your hips and lifted you up and tried to place you down on the bed. Just as he started to move ontop of you, you broke off the kiss, pushed him off and ran down stairs. Just as you reached the kitchen, you started crying uncontrollably for the 3rd time in less than 2 days. Your own boyfriend couldn't even stand having you on his lap for more than 3 seconds because you were so heavy. So _fat. _You had to get rid of all this fat somehow, you had to cut it off. You went to the drawer next to the sink and found a knife. You grabbed your phone and car keys, sprinted out the front door and drove away just as you saw Carlos reach the front door. He was shouting your name and started chasing after you as your car disappeared down the street.

You looked back in the rear view mirror and saw the Latino boy kneeling down in the street, with his head in his hands just as you made a left turn.

You didn't know where you were going but you just had to go somewhere away from everyone. You drove for another 30 mins, sobbing as you tried to clear your head. _Why did I have to be so fat? Why did I have to do this to Carlos? _You couldn't stand it anymore, you turn into the local park, undid your seatbelt and moved into the back seat. You took the knife into your hand, pulled down your sweats and place the cold sharp blade against the skin of your thigh. You winced at the touch, but that didn't stop you. You slowly applied pressure to the blade and dragged it along your skin. You squeezed your eyes shut as you felt the sting of your kin slowly being cut open. You opened your eyes and looked down at the fresh wound. You placed the knife back at the starting point and turned it 90 degrees and began to cut once against, forming a letter F. You sat in the car for over 20 minutes, scarring yourself with the word FAT on the side of your thigh. When you finished you looked down at your leg. It was covered in blood and so were your hands. You could see drops of blood on the floor of your car and the seat you were sitting on.

You cursed and reached over to get a handful of tissues and started dabbing your cuts, careful not to push too hard. With every touch you hissed at the pain. You held the tissues as against your thigh with our right hand and reached for another handful of tissues with your left. You started scrubbing at the seat and floor but it was no use, your blood was going to leave a stained. After securing the tissue around your leg with an old scarf you found underneath the seat, you climbed back over to the driver seat and started the engine. It had been over 2 hours since you left your house and you were so scared to go back. You didn't want to see Carlos, not because you were mad but because you were afraid to see how much you hurt him.

You put the knife in the passenger seat and noticed your phone. You had forgotten that you bought it with you. You checked it and noticed 20 missed calls, 9 new voicemails and 10 new messages. All from Carlos. _Shit _you thought.

You scanned through the messages and you could feel yourself start to cry once again.

_Babe, are you okay? Please pick up your phone. I'm so worried I'm sorry for hurting you. I love you._

_Please please pick up. I'm sorry for making you angry. I'm sorry for being a horrible boyfriend, please I need to know your okay. I love you so much._

_Its been almost 2 hours, where are you? Please come back. I miss you so much. Please sweetie, please. Please don't do this to yourself._

You closed your eyes and rested your head against the steering wheel as the tears started flowing out uncontrollably.

"Why did I have to be so fucking stupid? Why is this happening? I love you Carlos, I love you!" You were screaming with such anger and confusion, not caring about the strangers staring at you as they walked by. You just needed to let it all needed to clear your head and think things through. You knew you were scaring your boyfriend but you just couldn't deal with the thought of him seeing your body like this. You wanted to tell him about every thought that goes through your head everyday but you knew what his reaction would be. He would immediately think you were crazy and sick and most probably break up with you. _ Might as well leave him now…save him the pain. He deserves someone better, someone skinner. _You couldn't believe it. You were actually considering leaving Carlos. He was the love of your life, the man of your dreams, that one person you had been searching your whole life for. But you now realised that he had been wasting his time on you. You had to leave him now. You were doing this for him. He deserves happiness with another girl. It was then decided. You had to break up with Carlos.

You looked at your phone and decided against listening to any of the voicemails, knowing that hearing the Latino's broken voice would be too much for you to handle. You started the engine and backed out of the car park and drove home in complete silence. Just as you turned into your street, it started raining heavily. After parking the car 4 four houses away from your own, you get out and started to walking home.

You were only wearing a plain t-shirt and sweats so you weren't surprised that by the time you reached your front garden, you were shivering like crazy. You were completely soaked, from head to toe. Strands of wet hair clung to the front of your face as you slowly walked toward the front of house. You noticed the living room lights on and peaked into the window.

What you saw inside broke your heart.

There on the sofa was Carlos, sitting forward with his elbow of his knees and phone in his hand. He had a completely blank, almost dead, expression in his eyes as he stared forward at the wall. He was staring at the picture of the two of you on your first date hanging on the wall. He was completely still, only ever moving his eyes to look at his phone or his hand to wipe away a tear.

You felt your lip quiver at the urge to cry but you managed to stop yourself just in time. You slowly walked up the front steps and put your hand on the door handle. You contemplated running away again, this time not coming back. You didn't want to cause Carlos anymore pain. You didn't want to be in anymore pain. You shook your head, trying to get rid of those thoughts.

You opened the door and saw Carlos a second later, jump up at the sound of you entering. You stood there, soaking wet in the door way, staring at your boyfriend who was sprinting towards you.

The dark hair boy pulled you into a tight hug. "Oh thank god!" he cried, holding you in his arms "I was so worried. I'm so sorry. I love you. I love you so much. Please never leave me again."

You felt his body shake as he cried. You put your arms around him and hugged him back, wanting to tell him it wasn't his fault and that you loved him. You opened your mouth but no sounds came out, so you simply hugged him even tighter and buried your head in his chest.

You both stayed like that for almost 10 minutes. Neither of you wanted to let go of the hug. It was as if you did, you would lose each other forever.

"I love you Carlos" you finally whispered. "I'm so sorry. Please forgive me"

You looked up at your boyfriend, only to find him staring back at you with his reddened eyes. He leaned down and kissed your lips, only holding for a few seconds before pulling away. "We'll talk tomorrow ok sweetie? But right now we need to get you out of these clothes and into bed. You look like you need a rest."

You nodded as Carlos picked you up, bridal style, and carried you up stairs. He offered to help you change clothes but ended up doing it yourself as you couldn't risk him seeing your cuts. After putting you in bed, he got into bed next to you. With his arms wrapped around you, you rested your head on his chest and you fell asleep to the sound of his heart, listening to every beat.

You woke up the next morning to the sound of the same heartbeat you fell asleep to. You were in the same position you were in the night before and this meant that last night wasn't a dream. This meant you actually physically walked out on your boyfriend, harmed yourself and almost destroyed your most important relationship. You hated yourself so much for it. A tear came out of the corner of your eye and as your hand moved up to wipe it away, you accidently hit the sleeping boy underneath you, causing him to wake up.

"Huh? Babe you awake?" Carlos mumbled, rubbing his eyes as they tried to adjust to the morning sunlight.

You quickly wiped the tear away and sat up, facing your boyfriend "Yeah I am, good morning Carlos" you whispered as you looked down at your legs, avoiding all eye contact. You were so ashamed of how you acted yesterday.

You felt a finger underneath you chin, bringing your head up. Carlos was smiling ever so sweetly as he said "Good morning honey"

Carlos then sat up and kissed you on the forehead and took your hands into his. An awkward silence immediately followed this and you could feel him getting uncomfortable with the unspoken tension hanging between the two of you.

You opened your mouth to say something as Carlos looked up at you but closed it as you couldn't think what to begin with. You tried again to speak and said "I'm so sorry Carlos, I really am. I shouldn't have acted like I did yesterday. I just..I don't know what happened. I.."

"You don't need to apologise sweetie" the boy replied in a soft voice "I just don't understand why you left like that without any warning? Just..what happened? I sat there for 2 hours trying to figure out what I did wrong? To figure out why you just left…I thought you weren't ever going to come back.." Tears were rolling down his cheeks as his spoke, his eyes were squeezed shut as he said the last part. "Please help me understand. I love you so much and I know something is up. You haven't been acting the same lately. I always see you wake up every morning with red eyes because you had been crying the night before. What's been happening baby? Please, you can trust me…"

Help him understand…how were you supposed to help him understand what's going through your mind when you couldn't even figure out your own thoughts? How were you suppose explain to him that you hated your body? That you hated everything about yourself to the point where you cry almost every day about it, pull away from almost any sort of intimacy and feel the need to hurt yourself in order to feel somewhat better. You just couldn't tell him, he would think you were crazy if you did.

"I-…I don't know Carlos. I don't know what happened. I just started having an anxiety attack" you lied, "and I just.. I don't know, I'm sorry Carlos. I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Please stop saying sorry. I just wish I could have done something." The Latino spoke with such guilt and regret in his voice. You simply couldn't do this to him anymore. You had to give this boy a break from dealing with all this pain. From all this shit. From you.

You looked at the boy in front of you, into his eyes, knowing that this was probably going to be the last time he was ever going to view you as his "beautiful sweetheart".

"I'm sorry Carlos" you began, trying hold back your tears "I think..I think we need to take a break"

You felt your hands drop from his as his mouth hung open. He stared at you as you broke his heart. You could see him trying to form words but failing. He stayed silent as his eyes began to well up so you decided to speak up again.

"I just…this relationship just isn't working." You hated what you were about to say next but you just needed him to hate you. You needed him to move on so you could no longer hurt him with your own pathetic selfish problems but you couldn't tell him the truth. You needed him to hate you so he cold move on.

"Carlos..I met someone else. That's why I ran. I ran because I didn't want to be with you. I couldn't stand the thought of being with you while I was in love with someone else. That's why I didn't call you back, I was with that person, trying to figure out how we could be together. I'm sorry Carlos"

Carlos' eyes turned from guilty ad suffering to something you had never seen before. It was as if all life had escaped him, leaving an emotionless empty shell behind. All of a sudden, he stood up and ran out of the room.

"CARLOSS!" you yelled out after him. As you were about to get up and chase him, the Latino came back into the room with a suitcase in his hand. He threw it onto the bed, hitting you on the side of your thigh right where your cuts were. You winced at the pain and felt blood coming out of your wounds but paid no attention to it. The enraged boy went towards the wardrobe and started grabbing all his t-shirts and jackets from the top shelf. He threw them into the opened suitcase before returning to get his pants.

"Carlos wait!" you cried, taking his clothes back out in a desperate attempt to keep him from leaving. "Just let me explain!"

"Why?" he turned back towards you and glared at you with eyes which you always found comfort in, now filled with rage and pain. "Why on earth should I let you explain yourself? I already heard everything I needed. You don't love me, you probably never did right from the start. You had been playing with me this whole time! I loved you you know? I fucking loved you! I would have taken a bullet for you. I gave up almost everything for you!"

You were now crying uncontrollably. You regretted it all now. You shouldn't have said anything from the start. With every word that passed through his lips, you found it more difficult to breathe and think.

Carlos wasn't done yelling as he walked up to you stared down at you "I gave up everything for you!" he said through his clenched teeth. "You wanna know the real reason I was late that night? Huh? It wasn't because Logan couldn't do a stupid dance. It was because I was talking to my manager and the other boys about leaving Big Time Rush!"

You stopped crying and looked up at him, not understanding what he just said. "Wh-what do you mean?" you said in between breathes.

"I mean I was going to leave the band, give up on my whole career. My dreams just so I couldn't be with you! I couldn't stand always being away from you not only on tours but at work as well! Working 18 hours a day was unbearable because I never got to see you! I was always so _depressed _that it was affecting my singing and acting. They told me that I couldn't be with you if it was going to affect me working so I told them I wanted to leave the band."

You were in total shock as Carlos told you all of this. Singing and being in Big Time rush was a dream come true for him. He had been waiting for an opportunity like this his whole life and he was willing to throw it all away jus to be you.

"Carlos…I…I had no idea" You whispered, your voice so quiet even you couldn't hear yourself speak. You looked up at your boyfriend and he stared back at you. You wanted to kiss him so badly and tell him that you were lying and that you wanted to be with him but you couldn't. You need him to despise him.

Carlos turned around and began packing his clothes away again, yelling as he went "But all that doesn't matter anymore now that your leaving me! I meant nothing to you."

He had finished grabbing all his belongings and as he zipped his suit case up he hissed in a low hateful voice "And now you mean _nothing _to me"

With that, he picked up his case, and walked out of the room and headed down stairs. It took you a second to completely register what he just said. _You mean nothing to me_ he had said. You had done it. He now hated you and was finally able to find real happiness.

You started sobbing as you heard the Latino downstairs searching the whole house for his things. You got up to run down stairs but your leg immediately folded underneath you. You fell down to the ground and hit your head against the table. You cursed at the pain and looked down at your leg to see why you couldn't walk. It was obvious why. You had blood pouring down your leg, completely soaking your pants and the ground around you. There was so much blood but you couldn't feel the pain that was expected to come with the wounds. Your body was numb. The only pain you felt was in your head from your fall. As blood trickled down the side of your face. You tried standing up, using the table to help you.

When you were on your feet, you started limping down stairs, trying to find Carlos. You were leaving a small trail of blood behind you and your head was throbbing from the pain, but you ignored it all. You just had to see Carlos' face one last time before he walked out of your life.

You found the boy at the front door, grabbing his keys about to head out.

You tried to chase after him but your legs finally gave in. You just couldn't walk any further. You were losing too blood.

Carlos turned around at the sound of you falling and he gasped at what he saw. There you were, lying on the ground in front of him in tears with blood running down the side of your head and covering your whole leg.

He dropped everything he was holding and ran towards you. You held you in his arm, screaming out your name, trying to get you to respond.

You looked up at the sweet boy's face as he cried and yelled but the image slowly disappeared to darkness. _Goodbye Carlos…._

"My my you are one very luck girl to have such a caring boyfriend"

_Who's voice was that? _You thought. It was a women's voice, however, you didn't recognise it.

"Its been almost a week and he still waits…so sweet"

Is she talking to herself? Your eyes were currently closed but you could feel someone fixing the pillow underneath your head. You slowly open your eyes and see a woman in a white dress reaching over you.

"Who..who are you?" you whispered in a cracked voice. Your mouth felt so dry.

"Oh my! Your finally awake!" the women exclaimed. "Here let me help you sit up"

The stranger held your arm as you slowly sat up and she fixed the pillow so you could rest against it. You gave her a confused look as she was doing that and she noticed your expression.

"Oh right, of course! My name is Mandy and I'm the nurse assigned to take care of you" the women said with a beaming smile on her face. She put her right hand out in front of you for a handshake. You tried lifting your arms but you felt so weak.

"Oh you must be too tired" she said frowning. "Here let me get you something to drink"

Mandy ran out the room and you finally noticed the room surrounding you. You were in a hospital room. There were a pile of your clothes on the chair next to the bed, neatly folded up and flowers on the bedside table. _Why am I in a hospital? _You thought to yourself, searching your brain for anything that would suggest a reason. You remember falling asleep in Carlos' arm while on the ground. You squeezed your eyes shut and tried to remember exactly why you were on the ground. You remember blood, and yelling and pain and…Carlos' words. _You mean nothing to me._

You now remembered everything. You broke up with Carlos and you were in the hospital because of your cuts. Shit your cuts! You pulled away the covers and lifted up your hospital gown to see bandages wrapped tightly around your thigh. You ran your fingers over where your cuts were and winced at the pain.

Suddenly a hand pulled your away from your leg. It was Mandy. She came back with a cup of water and a sandwich.

"I wouldn't do that. Your cuts were still pretty deep and haven't closed up properly. Wouldn't want to open them up again now would we?" she said while giving you the water "here drink up"

You took the cup and chugged down all the water greedily. You completely emptied the cup and looked at it and frowned. You were still thirsty.

Mandy let out a soft chuckle. "Here let me get you some more. You were out for almost a week so its no surprise you're thirsty"

"A week?" you shouted, a little too loud to be appropriate while in a hospital. "Sorry" you whispered in a quieter voice.

The nurse let out another chuckle "Yes, a whole week. You had lost a lot of blood that day and if that weren't bad enough you hit your head quiet hard. Luckily it didn't cause too much damage."

Your vision began to get blurry as tears started forming as you remembered everything that happened that day. "Who..who brought me in?"

"Oh, your boyfriend did! Carls or Charlie was his name? or was it Carlson? I tend to forget these things easily"

"Carlos.." you whispered as a tear rolled down your cheeks.

"Ah yes that's it! Carlos. Well he brought you in"

You quickly wiped it away and looked the opposite direction before Mandy could see you cry.

"He..he isn't my boyfriend..anymore"

"Really? Are you sure?" the nurse asked, confused "sorry, I just thought he was because he hasn't left this hospital the whole time, waiting for you to wake up…."

"What?" you shouted. Your words came out louder than expected again. Covering your mouth you whispered another apology.

Mandy laughed "Its okay sweetie. But yeah, that boy" she pointed towards the door "has been here all week, bugging me almost everyday about how you were doing."

You looked up towards the direction of the door and saw a small dark hair boy, lying on a uncomfortable looking chair, asleep outside your room. His legs and arms were hanging off the tiny seat as you heard a soft snore come from him.

"Carlos…" you mumbled. He stayed. He waited for you…but what did it mean? You didn't understand, he hated you didn't he? _You mean nothing to me. _You meant nothing to him.

"I was going to wake him up but he just looked so peaceful" Mandy said looking at the sleeping boy, tilting her head and mouthing the words "Aww".

You couldn't think properly. Your heart was pounding and your hands were sweating. You didn't understand what she was saying. You didn't know what to say in reply. You simply stayed silent and stared at the love of your life.

Mandy started heading out the door. "Here let me wake him up for you"

You stared wide eyed after her, trying to scream out 'No' to stop her but no sounds came out. You just watched her as she woke Carlos up and whispered something in his ear while pointing towards your direction.

The Latino sat up immediately and ran towards you, completely ignoring the nurse. He went to hug you but stopped himself. He looked down at his feet while his hands played with the hem of his shirt.

"Carlos…" you finally said after a minute of silence.

The pair of dark brown eyes looked up at you and his mouth formed a soft nervous smile.

"Hi"

"I thought…..I thought I meant nothing to you…why? Why did you stay here?" you whispered slowly. You looked into his eyes, trying to figure out what was going through his mind but you just couldn't find any sort of sign.

"Because I love you." The boy said as his eyes began to redden from tears. "I love you so much. I saw what you did to yourself. The cuts in your leg. I know you were lying when you said you met someone else. I know you went to hurt yourself that night."

You started crying as you heard these words come out his mouth. It made no sense. He found out your secret but he still loves you? It just didn't make sense. "But why?" you breathed in between sobs "Why do you still love me? Why are you still here?"

"Because I want to be the one that reminds you every day that you are beautiful. I want to be there for you everyday to show you that I care about you and that you're not alone. Because I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Carlos kneeled next your bed and took your hand in his. "I love you so much, I'm sorry that I made you think you meant nothing to me. You mean the _world _to me. Without you…without you...I have no reason to live. I love you. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever laid my eyes on. No one else matters but you. I hate…I hated seeing you hurt yourself. I hate myself for not seeing it earlier. I'm so sorry, please forg-"

"Carlos stop." You put a hand on his cheek and leaned forward so your forehead rested against his "I love you Carlos. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I lied I'm sorry for being such a burden. I love you but I just couldn't love myself. I just…I'm sorry I let my problems ruin everything"

"I love you and I chose to be with you. I chose to deal with anything that came with our relationship. You are not a burden. I love you. I just..I don't want to see you in anymore pain."

He leaned in and kissed you gently on the lips. You responded and pulled him closer to you. His lips felt so soft, so comforting.

Carlos broke off the kiss and held your face in his hands. "I love you so much. I want to be with you every day for the rest of my life. I want to protect you from all this pain. I want to wake up everyday and see your beautiful smile. I want to come home everyday to your laughter and amazing Mac & Cheese" you giggled at his words as he continued "I want to see you backstage at every show, dancing and singing along with me. I want to grow old with you. I want to have kids with you and watch them grow up with you. And..."

He reached into his pocket pulled out a small black heart shaped box and opened it, revealing a gorgeous diamond ring "..I want to marry you. Sweetie, I promise to love and care for you every day until the day we die. I promise to take care of you and help you see what I see when you look in the mirror. I promise to keep you happy for the rest of your life. And I promise I will be the best husband I can possibly be. So...will you marry me?"

You didn't waste a second and shouted out "Yes Carlos! Yes, god yes!" and kissed him passionately, with your arms wrapped around his neck.

He stood up and slipped the ring on your finger before giving you a tight hug. "I love you so much" he whispered in your ear.

"I love you too Carlos" you whispered back. You had never felt so happy in your life and you knew that from this moment on, you were always going to be happy.


End file.
